Broken Pieces

Christoph Paul – My Mom Won’t Read My Book

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

My Mom Won’t Read My Book

by Christoph Paul

My mom won’t read my book “The Passion of The Christoph”

I wish it was something moving & heartfelt like she was blind & there is not a braille Kindle we can afford, but its nothing noble like that; no, she just she doesn’t want to read about her son working at a porn store or meeting a French girl who liked to do sexual things to birds (when she kissed me I thought I caught the bird flu–seriously, freaked me the hell out.)

No, my mom got her taste of my life when I had to work on Thanksgiving & she called me at the porn store to overhear me selling anal lube to man who compared what he was going to do to his mistress to stuffing turkeys.

Nope, not her cup of team, especially, when her son is involved; she is also more of a Danielle Stelle reader and my closest thing with romance is the letter I wrote to the Stripper I met at Teaser’s.

But in all seriousness, it is strange to create something you love and are so proud of but you can’t show it to your mom.

Oh, my lonely little bastard book, yet, I’m so proud of him? Her? It? (I do talk about Tranny’s a lot). Yes, this little test tube of literary punk rock is my pride and joy.

Every dick joke, was like an inch it grew–chapter by chapter.

The tales of rehab and military school where I lived with men named Crack Head Pete who liked to pretend to make a mop give him fellatio was the skin and sparkly hair of my baby…but for my mom it was a reminder that I should have joined more clubs and she should have searched my room more for pot.

All these errors turned into some damn hilarious stories to everyone but my mom. My comedy is her tragedy, but if it makes a buck and writing about it makes her son happy she can live with it–she just can’t read it.

To make it up to her I’m working on a ‘fiction’ YA book. She said it should be like Nicholas Sparks. So far it is going the love story route, very ‘Sparkian’…just with lots and lots of dick jokes…

Sorry Mom.

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Genre – Humor / NonFiction

Rating – NC17

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